Journey of a Dream

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So, yesterday went well. I managed to go all 6 places I intended to go. Well and beyond.

1. At the PTPTN office, I was sent back and forth to Level 6, then to Level 11 and then finally to Level 8. As usual, nobody seems to know anything to settle my problem immediately. Apparently, there is this promotion for those who finish paying their PTPTN in one lump sump by this year. They backdated the interest calculation from 2008 to 1% instead of 3%. So, I got some discount and instead of me having to pay them, I actually overpaid them. That's a nice and pleasant surprise.

2. Next, I went to AusAsia and met up with the consultant. At this point, I realise I should have come here earlier because the impending deadline of July 2012 is very near. This is the whole reason for my weary heart. The questions that plagued my mind all the way are these:

a. Do I really want it?
b. So, if I really want it, do I want to spend the BIG $$$ to get it? Accordingly, if I am willing to pay that amount, there is 99.9% chance of me getting it provided I choose to take up their service. In order for me to pay them, I will have to be in massive debt which I really do not desire since I had just painstakingly paid of my study loan. If I choose not to take up their service, I have only 50% chance of getting it.
c. So, if I get it, is there a guarantee that of happiness?

3. Kompleks Mahkamah Petaling Jaya - Done what I intended to do.

4. Register IELTS at IDP - the lady who attended to me was rude, service sucks but no choice since registering with IDP comes with a book. With British Council, I will have 30 hours of online help. I prefer having a physical book to read.

5. Meeting at Cyberjaya - Didn't go that well. I wasn't that desirable and so is the other party.

6. Errands at Ministry of Foreign Affairs at Wisma Putra, Putrajaya - Not very cekap, certified true copies of a few pieces of paper took more than an hour

For the most part of my life, I led a sedentary lifestyle. As a kid, the most that I did was to sprint. I wasn't into competitive sports. So when I started salsa in 2009, my tummy was already bulging in front of me. I wasn't heavy, just about 50kg, but my waistline could almost match a guy.

Then the quest for fitness started. Maybe by listening "someone" telling me all the time that gym is a religion, the belief got into me and that is how my gym membership started. Just in a matter of a few months, I started to see my weight dropping. I don't really know if I can credit this to my gym membership or the things that I went through as I was severely dehydrated from all the tears. The physical pain that I put on my body to train did not seem like anything when compared to the pain I felt deep inside.

Soon enough, people around me started to notice my smaller frame. Lady Di commented on it. SuSu commented on it. A few ladies in the office commented on it. Even some guys in my company commented on it. Jo commented on it and when I told her I could see my rib cage now, she said I'm aneroxic. I can't count how many people who actually noticed. Whomever they are, I loved the comments they gave me. In fact, I became inspiration for many women and I would gladly give them advice

My work pants could no longer hold my smaller hips that I had to alter them. I love it. But at this point, I was getting a bit lazy with gym. Work and other commitments got a hold on me. The frequent holidays didn't help either as each time I had to start again all over. By now, I was no longer as rigid with my diet.

Then, I really want to end the year well. I want to see flat tummy, less cellulite (of course, the most ideal will be no cellulites at all). I bought a shorts that could not fit me by accident. My aim is to fit in that shorts which I have yet to do so.

All in all, it was a big paradigm shift from Jim to gym (pun intended).

This Friday is an extremely important day for me.

It's THE DAY I finally strike study loan debt out of the list.
It's THE DAY I will discuss M opportunities with a "consultant."
Then I have to go to Cyberjaya and Putrajaya.
From here I can get cheap air tickets.
If the day goes well, then I go and sign up for a very important exam, which is a gateway to the big M.

The other day, I was reading about Dr Paul Brand, a physician who spent much of his life in medical research for the improvement of lives of leprosy patients. He was the first physician to explain that leprosy does its damage by destroying nerve endings, and when nerve endings are destroyed, patients lose their sensation of pain which made them susceptible to injury. While people are trying to get rid of pain, Dr Paul Brand spent millions of dollars trying to create the sensation of pain for his leprosy patients. In this, Dr Paul Brand introduced a different perception about pain and pleasure: Pain, despite its negative perceptions about it, can be a gift and may even be essential. Thus, together with Philip Yancey, he has authored a book entitled "The Gift of Pain". I will get a hold on this book when I can.

On a side note, my pilate instructor, Jezzalyn, said something that rung heavily in my head. She said while all of us were tucking our bellies with a seksa face, "If you are not in pain, you are not getting it."

 

Reflecting my life this year, 1 theme prevailed above all. If it was about anything, it was about the lack and loss of HOPE. After losing a certain someone,  I wanted to detach from my past and run away from my current geographical location, whatever that reminded my of my failures. I deleted SMSes that reminded me of that, I neglected gifts that he gave me, I threw things away in my room which I deemed taking up too much space, which included items like books, bags, clothes, etc. This throwing things act is what I call a need to de-clutter. In reality, what I need is a "mind de-clutter" to clear things up in the head and decide what I really want.  My weekends mostly consisted of "resting from burnouts" and "gathering my mind" which resulted from a "struggling career". However, these rest I got from weekends never really came out to any decisions.

Slowly but surely, I lost passion in the things that used to matter to me. My dancing session was reduced to only attending classes. As for social dancing, I could only be seen dancing once a month, if any at all. I used to visit the mall regularly and had a hard time resisting my temptation to spend, but I have cut down my mall visits to maybe just once a month simply because I was disinterested. I stopped drinking coffee at my favourite Starbucks joints. To avoid deciding what to wear to work everyday, I have lined them up in a way that I will wear them on rotation. I stopped going out on Saturday nights for any booze at all. I only caught up with friends who wanted to meet up with me and didn't get initiative with my friendships. I realize, all these were saving me a lot of money, but deep inside me, I felt hollow.

I didn't know what I could do to make me feel better, but somehow, I have developed an affinity for reading poignant stories of miraculous survivals and breakthroughs in the face of difficulties and hopelessness. Two notable ones are the stories of Liz Murray and Jaycee Lee Dugard. These stories tell me that despite whatever people go through or what kind of slumdog background people come from, somehow, with courage and persistence, and an attitude of never giving up, somehow, things will turn out fine.

Despite my failing mental health with bouts of imsomnia and depression, things turned out better than I thought. I was euphoric after receiving the letter yesterday, even though the euphoria lasted me just for a day before my mind asks the next BIG QUESTION. Do I still want the BIG MOVE now? Is there a guarantee that better life lies ahead when I take the BIG MOVE? The truth is that there is no guarantee... and it might be just another chasing after the wind. It might not be the panacea that I am looking for the gaping spiritual hole that I have.

So, I turn to books again. This time, it's a book on Christian missions. Tales of people who go into dangerous mission fields where they faced persecution and house arrests. Tales about people who give up their own comfort to meet the needs of less fortunate children caught in slavery and prostitution. As I read the book, I realize I could be fired up in my Christian faith again in the area of compassion. For too long, compassion have been known to be feeling provoking but not act inducing. I figure too that I had been to selfish to my own needs. If I focus on other people's needs, that may be the panacea to my own problems and mental war. So I will take small steps to check out what I can do.

Being lost is bad, and I hate seeing my friends lost too.. especially when they have weird beliefs like existentialism.

In Band Perry's If I Die Young, the song sounds very morbid yet so meaningful. Life is making the best at what you've got.

Ok this is the end of my Saturday night and another "gathering my mind" session.

For the third time this week, I worked late.

Monday 9.30 pm, extra 3 hours 45 minutes
Wednesday 7.55pm, extra 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday 9.05pm, extra 3 hours 20 minutes

If I add all these up, that would make a day's work. I didn't want to do it, I just had to because there 20 items in my to - do list, and I know if I don't strike up items in the list, new things would just come in everyday. Mind you, these 20++ items are not my routine work to get "ester" going, they are "extra" work that has accumulated over the past few months, and if I don't do it right away, they just get harder to do.

All kinds of negative thoughts conjure up in my mind everyday, but with the additional hours when I am physically tired, I start to lose my mind.

|Why am I doing all these extra hours beyond my working hours? Is my pay RM5k a month? Am I being paid overtime? Do I get extra bonus?

All I get is a mean boss who doesn't appreciate me at all. All I get is crappy appraisal. All I get is being bullied by her and her accomplice. All I get is frequent burn out episodes and cases of insomnia which are happening more frequently these days. I can't even go gym, cell group, earn extra income.. It really eats into my personal time but if I don't do it, people will complain that I am incompetent...

Do they really know how much I am handling? Plant 1 is running at bullet train speed. Plant 2 is picking up. This year, the quantity of product is almost twice of last year. Which means, twice product forms, twice footnote, twice outgoing BLC, twice lab technician problems, more customer complaints... Besides this, I still have to develop methods, answer Sales and Marketing Queries, answer Technical Service queries, source for external lab services as there are ever more new testing requirements from customers, help R&D team with their queries, help other site labs to do ad hoc testing. Just last week, no brainer boss added 3 additional instruments into my lap. When I asked her, the reason that she gave me is because I am PIC for "ester" and so happen these few instruments fall under "ester".

People say, "If you are not happy, don't complain. Just tender the letter." True, in fact, I have prepared the letter which is sitting in my personal folder. But how I am gonna go through the remaining 3 months when every single day is hellish...

Music has a way to connect the soul. Isn't is true that some songs just remind you of certain someone or certain season in your life? Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You reminds me about this guy from another church that I had a crush on when I just came out working. Shakira's Hips Don't Lie reminds me of Joe cos the club played this song during the only time we went to Poppy's together. I'll Missing You and How Do I Live Without You remind me of high school days. Of course, Faye Wong's －执迷不悔 and Broken Hearted Women remind me of my primary school days. I was a huge Faye Wong's fan!

One of those earlier days after dance practice while listening to the female version of When You Say Nothing At All in his car, I secretly wished that he would serenade me with this song with his soulful voice. From that day onward, I imagine myself walking down the aisle with him. On our wedding dinner, we would perform our Salsa - Bachata first dance. Well, of course, that never took place.

Apart from that song, a song that immediately connected with my pain was The Band Perry's If I Die Young. When the thing just happened, when I could not accept it yet, this song played on the radio on the way home after work, streams of tears flowed in a gush. It wasn't just the meaningful lyrics of how, "Funny, when you're dead people start listening." It was that song just connected with my feelings. Listening to this song, it reminded of how EXACTLY I felt at that time... the need to run away from my pain. I remember sitting in front of my laptop looking for migration opportunities.

Because... I could not deal with my pain. I could not deal with the realization that I would never drink another glass of his protein drink. The realization that we would never again walk in the streets of Bangsar for lunch. The realization that we would never drive to the laundry shop ever again pick up his laundry. I would never again step foot into True Fitness Hartamas to wait for him to finish his gym session. That I would never again see him pack his clothes into the tiny luggage he uses for his frequent travels. The realization that we would never again sit together on his yoga mat. The realization that I would never again sit on his balcony enjoying the view of the new Istana Negara. It was the last of the last, not like the previous times when we had arguments but made it up after that.

I wanted to run away so much.. so in conclusion, this song just reminded the sole thing I wanted to do to get away from my pain which is to run away. So many months on, I haven't really done much for the thing I promised myself to do. Despite this song reminding me of pain, it also reminds me of my sole mission and help me to be focused to achieve it.